Zero Expectations and Ki Tetzei

I keep doing this thing to myself.

I keep expecting more of myself than I can deliver.

I push and push, and I’m surprised and disappointed when my body can’t deliver.

I’m doing all the right things, and yet the trajectory I have planned out in my mind does not meet my expectations.

It disappoints.

Every year, I read these verses in Torah:

If you have a wayward son, bring him to the elders of the community, and let him be stoned to death.

In this way, you will help wipe out evil from Israel.

What??

You are expected to give up on your own child??

I get it.

I guess. Sort of.

Maybe he’s a total failure: a drunkard, a thief, a liar.

Every parent’s nightmare come true.

And maybe we should be expected to judge objectively—even with our own offspring.

Sacrifice for the greater good.

Sometimes people are beyond help.

Sometimes a relationship is beyond help.

A marriage. A friendship.

Haven’t we been told it’s important to recognize when “it’s over”?

To know when to walk away?

But how often do we give up on someone before we’ve—before they’ve even gotten started?

What about self-fulfilling prophecies?

“You were always a disappointment to me,” used to be a common refrain that parents told their children.

Rather, it might be more productive to ask in return, “What were your expectations?”

Maybe they were too high to begin with.

Maybe you had this idealized version in your head of what it would mean to become a parent.

Or a wife.

Or a husband.

A friend.

Life itself can be a disappointment if we let it.

Either we learn to expect to be disappointed because life is hard—very hard.

Or we expect others to be more than human.

Rosh Hashanah is only three weeks away.

What kinds of expectations are we each putting into the holidays?

To be elated?

To be disappointed?

To be bored?

Maybe we should enter with no expectations at all.

I think it’s fair to say that if we could approach life with this attitude, we’d all be much happier.

Then we’d have a much fairer chance of having the experience we could potentially have.

So I want to propose a different kind of “getting ready” for the High Holidays during this month of Elul:

Let’s let go of our expectations and attitudes—good or bad—and come into it free and clear, ready to have the experience we will have.

Objectively.

And say Amen.

And good Shabbos.