Cont. Spiritual Lessons from Coronavirus
Monday, April 20, 2020
How do I savor this feeling of a new lease on life? How do I stay in this place of gratefulness?
I have been trying to live in that place for years now, and I see how quickly the feeling starts to fade, especially as I wake up still feeling shitty more days than not.
This morning as I woke up, instead of just saying “Modah Ani” and moving on to the next prayer, I took the time to sit in bed for a couple of minutes and chant it, really thinking about the words, letting a melody come to me. You see, I don’t usually think I “have the time.” I have an “agenda,” after all. I’ve got to get up and move into my “morning routine” more quickly: the yoga, qi gong, davenin. (As it is, I feel much too privileged to have the time for all this at all. My children are grown, I don’t currently have a job, I’m in school full time. Feelings of guilt abound. I know, I know, so many people would give anything to be living my life. Is it like survivor’s guilt? Anyway, not the subject at hand…)
Of course I’m aware that the moment of waking up, washing my hands and going to the bathroom are part of my morning routine, but I so often rush through it. That’s the thing with routine. We can easily fall into doing it unconsciously.
On the other hand, it’s regular practice that strengthens a routine. If we do exercise regularly, our muscles get stronger. But so often do people put on music or watch a show while doing exercise.
If we’re not aware, we might do the same with prayer. Our own distraction can lead to unconscious prayer. I struggle with this all the time, every day in fact. I am constantly looking for a balance.
Something that works for me often and especially this week is experimenting with throwing my whole body into prayer, shuckling, but from my knees, especially when I don’t have the energy to stand. On the “baruch” of a prayer, I really throw my body forward, and sometimes stick my nose into my prayer book. The shuckling I’ve observed in many Orthodox men is my inspiration, and the nose in the book and rocking back and forth I take from observing Orthodox women. It offers a kind of passionate pleading that helps me focus.
This morning I was listening to the news--only coronavirus--as I began my prayer. All I could do was just sit, my head covered by my tallis. I wondered as I often do, what does my prayer actually do?
At the very least, it helps me to try to be the best person I can be. It may not make me feel better, but it refocuses me to my efforts to be my absolute best, which includes being cheerful and loving towards the family I’m in the house with every day, all day.
