The Surprise of Faith & Hukkat

Oy: the presidential elections.

An aging Democratic incumbent who refuses (so far) to step out of the race.

But t’s undeniable.

He looks and sounds incredibly feeble.

Does it matter that Trump, too, is unfit for the presidency—though for different reasons?

Nobody seems to care.

The fact is, there comes a time when one must accept that it’s time to pass things on to the younger generations.

As hard as it is for one’s ego.

To be able to face aging and death straight on.

Of course, I have empathy.

(Will I have the courage to face it straight on when it’s my turn to turn things over?)

Then there’s fear—of a different sort.

For today’s world, and our future—near and far.

This week in Torah, Miriam, Moses’ sister, dies.

Immediately after, the wells all dry up.

In the ancient rabbinic mind, Miriam is connected with the wells and the flow of water.

Now that she is gone, there is no water.

The Israelites panic.

Again, they rail against Moses.

He speaks—or complains—to God.

God tells him, “Take you staff in your hand, and speak to the rock. From there, water will flow abundantly.”

Moses, in his frustration perhaps, in anger and resentment, hits the rock.

Water flows.

God is not happy.

In the ancient rabbinic mind, Moses claimed the miracle as his own rather than crediting God.

His words are even a little sarcastic: “Listen, you rebels! Shall we get water for you out of this rock?”

For this, God punishes him; he shall not enter the Promised Land with the people he has led for 40 years.

Later in the Torah reading, the people sing a song.

It is a different type of song from the Song at the Sea when fleeing to freedom.

Instead of their song being led (and controlled, as Rabbi Tracy Nathan points out) by Moses, they sing their own song.

Not only do they not use violence, they sing to the ground, asking it to bring forth water.

“Spring up, O, well—Sing to it…”

Instead of receiving manna from heaven, whose lesson was about learning to have faith, they learn a different lesson (again, Tracy Nathan).

The Israelites have learned to bring forth water by themselves, in a community effort—something they can take pride in.

Miriam had taught them about community building, according to our sages.

Water spread out throughout the camps in rivers, reaching everywhere, not just springing from one source.

In essence, the people have learned to create their own grass roots movement.

And now.

It is time to pass the mantle to the next generation.

We deserve better presidential choices—not just between two old white men who either want to destroy our country and/or are out of touch with what younger generations cry out for.

Climate Change/Climate Disaster, for one.

Peace, for another.

After eight months of bombing and deprivation, it is proven that Netanyahu’s war will not bring about the live release of hostages.

Nor was it ever meant to.

Yet the war machine continues to be fed.

What about feeding a peace machine?

But we mustn’t despair.

Remember the last-minute shock of the Far Right losing in France just this week!

We face our own dismal predictions, but we don’t have to believe them.

But maybe we can take courage from the lesson of manna and faith from the Torah given by God.

Or like water springing from a rock.

And maybe we can take courage from the ability of young people to build grass roots movements of peace.

From the ground up.

We don’t know what miracles abound.

Let’s get ready to be surprised.

And say Amen.

The Potential for Celebration & Korakh

As we enter the 4th of July, we are supposed to be celebrating.

I came to my friends at the beach for the week—and to see the fireworks.

It will be fun to see after so many years of not.

But I find it hard to celebrate our country’s history at this point in history.

Maybe I’ve always had a hard time celebrating our country’s founding.

I wasn’t brought up to revere our Founding Fathers.

Am I unpatriotic?

Absolutely not.

Just as I won’t let the far Religious Right co-opt the word “religious,” so I won’t allow anti-gun control, anti-abortion people co-opt the word “patriotic.”

I love my country, and I demand that it be better—that it do better.

It has to do better.

As much as I hope to enjoy watching fireworks on a beach, I also have a real problem with them.

They’re terrible for the environment.

They’re terrible for the air, terrifying to animals (birds might abandon their babies, dogs either hide and can potentially be killed running from them…)

They also have the potential to terrify humans.

Not to mention the increase in mass shootings on and around July 4th.

Many people—maybe all Americans at this point—have PTSD due to gun violence.

I know that whenever I hear fireworks in New York, I never quite know if it’s fireworks or a gun I’m hearing.

I’m sure my blood pressure rises.

Then there’s the Supreme Court ruling that gave Trump immunity for all past acts.

That bit of news doesn’t add much to the potential for celebration.

The potential for a future king in a country that is supposed to despise kings…well…

Interestingly, there’s something about power-grabbing in this week’s Torah portion.

It’s in the story of Korakh and the people who join him in rising up against Moses.

Do they deserve the harsh punishment they get, being swallowed up by the earth at God’s command?

On the other hand, do they deserve immunity for their actions?

Do they want shared power with Moses, or do they want total control?

That, we can never know.

But what we do know is that we would all like there to be potential for celebration.

To me, this is not one of those moments, but I want there to be.

May there be a reason to celebrate our country in the coming months.

And until then, I’m going to hang out with my friends, and be in community.

I hope you do, too, however you feel about what’s going on in our country.

And please say Amen.

Throwing Phones & Shlakh Lekha

This morning as I was sitting in the park, a shocking thing happened.

I was talking to a friend on the phone, and from the corner of my eye, I see a child running toward the lake.

As he runs across the beach, his mother pursuing him, she yells, “Stop! Stop!”

Slowly, I understand what is happening.

He is carrying her cell phone, and as he gets to the edge of the water, he raises his arm over his head.

Before she can reach him, he launches the phone with all his might into the water.

Just a second too late, before retrieving the phone, she hits him on the head, yelling.

With a smile of deep satisfaction on his face, he retreats to where his sibling is sleeping in a baby stroller.

The mother goes to the water, searching, and picks the phone out of the dirty water.

Then she returns to her son where she chastises him again, but only barely.

This in itself shocks me. (If it had been me and my child…)

The boy stands there with the smile on his face never waning.

It is evident that he feels great power in this moment.

The family continues walking and stops at a bench further down the path.

I tell my friend blow by blow as I’m watching this all happen, and we begin immediately evaluating what has just occurred.

Is this some evil, sociopath with no care for how his mother feels?

My friend asks the child’s age.

I look at him: around five.

How can he have absolutely no sense of remorse, we wonder?

Or fear?

Then, another possibility: he is angry.

Why, then, is he so angry?

He must have a sense that this phone is his mother’s connection to the world!

Does he not know the gravity of what he’s done?

Now, in retrospect, it seems obvious.

The cell phone, for him, is the thing that keeps his mother occupied with everyone and everything—except for him.

On the other hand, for her, the cell phone, as it is for every parent, for every single person, is that which distracts her from what is right in front of her.

From what is present in the moment.

My friend and I started reminiscing about the old days when we were parents.

Before cell phones, before the omnipresent smart phone.

Would we have been the same kind of parent as we see others are today?

Constantly on the phone, talking, talking, listening, listening, reading, reading, not looking at their child?

We remembered the isolation.

The loneliness.

The difficulty in finding community as we cared for our infants and toddlers.

The intense need for adult interaction that did not exist in our way of life as American parents choosing (and with the luxury) to stay home caring for our own children.

We reminisced about the old corded phones, and cords so long that we could stretch them across the kitchen, or from one room to another.

Cords so long, we could wash dishes with the phone in the crook of our neck, pressed against our ear.

Ah, the old crook of the neck, hurting.

But how good it felt to have company while doing chores, but also to be multi-tasking.

How powerful and competent we felt.

How many times were we as parents talking on the phone while our children clambered for our attention?

Then the cell phone came along.

And they became smaller and smaller.

No more would they fit in the crook of your neck.

Now they are omnipresent in ear buds, but still represent one-sided, anonymous conversations.

And they sleep by our beds, if not in our beds, ever-ready with new information, ever-ready for “doom” scrolling.

There when we wake up, and when we go to sleep.

My friend then asked another question with some hesitation and discomfort.

What ethnic group did this mother belong to?

I understood her trepidation, because I had considered mentioning it, but then had changed my mind.

Why was this important, after all?

We talked about that, too.

That our children are right to push back and to question our need to know.

The need to resist the temptation to put people in a box, and type-cast them.

Yet, there was significance to the answer as well.

I told her she was an African immigrant wearing traditional dress.

And so we attempted to tell her story for her.

It led us to wonder about how this cell phone connected her, not only to others in the city, to employment perhaps, but also to family and friends across continents.

This cell phone was, in a sense, this woman’s whole world.

Her lifeline.

As they have become for all of us.

They have become our lifeline in a strange and disharmonious way that keeps us tethered to something ourside of ourselves, and outside the present moment.

They have become an object we cannot live without that brings us all the information we seem to need in the world.

And also information we don’t need but think we do.

A source of disinformation, misinformation, and panic.

Whether it’s the weather, or the air quality we can check on several times a day…

Or the pop-ups of “Breaking News” items that come in several times an hour.

All meant to grab our attention.

All meant to put us into a place of panic so we keep coming back for more.

This was the story we told about this particular mother and her little boy.

And about ourselves.

And now I come to the story of this week’s Parsha.

The story of the spies.

These are spies, or scouts, sent by Moses to scout out the Promised Land.

What kinds of vegetation and fruit is there to find? (And make sure you bring some back!)

What kind of people live there?

What kinds of cities do they have?

Are they strong or weak? (i.e. How hard will it be to conquer them?)

The reports are generally good.

Until the naysayers speak up.

“These people are so big, they are giants, and we are but grasshoppers to them.”

And panic sets in.

The people wail through the night.

“Why, God, did you take us out of bondage only to die here? Things weren’t so bad there! What is this false promise you made?”

But the panic uncalled for because the story is false.

What about our stories?

What about our panic?

There are very real, horrifying things happening in the world today.

And we need to take action.

But we must also be careful not to be sucked in by the media meant to simply get our attention by making us panic.

Do I need to know how bad the air quality is moment to moment?

Don’t I already know that, most of the time, it’s not very good?

Yet, it is so much better than it was in the 1960’s and ‘70’s when I was growing up in New York City.

So good things can happen.

We can effect change for the better.

We are capable of this.

Do I need to know that fascism is a real possibility in the (possibly near) future of this country?

Yes.

But I also need to find ways of disconnecting from the constant barrage that comes from my phone.

Yes, my phone is my connection to the world.

To my own little world, and to the wider world.

But maybe it shouldn’t take throwing the phone into the water to get back to the present moment.

And maybe we can rewrite the story of our country and our world.

Because our stories are very powerful.

And they can effect change for the better.

Shabbat Shalom, and please say Amen.

Missed Opportunities, Hearts and Roses, & B’Ha’alot’kha

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about last week.

About how I missed an important opportunity.

Over a year ago, I made a big deal in my ordination speech of addressing the sexism, the homophobia, the Jewish triumphalist attitudes of the Torah.

I didn’t want to miss that opportunity of facing the flaws of the Torah straight on.

Because so often we want to deny the bad and only focus on how great we are.

How spiritual, how deep, how loving.

I don’t like pretending that religion—mine included—is all hearts and roses.

And last week, as I searched for inspiration upon entering the holiday of Shavuot, I found little, if any, inspiration in the Torah reading.

Especially, as I pointed out, in the story of the sotah, the woman accused of cheating on her husband.

But I missed something.

I missed that sometimes things aren’t as they seem.

That within this sexist attitude of blaming the woman and putting her to a test of loyalty to her husband, that perhaps this “test” was in fact an effort at protection.

Because, whether she was innocent or guilty, her thigh wouldn’t sag, nor would her belly distend, just from drinking some cursed water!

Correct?

(I mean, unless you believe in spells, which I’m not saying I do or I don’t.)

In other words, this story put a hypothetically jealous husband in a position where he would have to hold back a potentially violent rage.

And the woman would be protected from his violence by having to present herself before the priest.

Then, she would walk away physically unharmed (though most likely humiliated, which isn’t nothing).

But it was progressive for its time.

This week, we end the Torah portion with Miriam, Moses’ sister, taking the sole blame for gossiping about Moses’ wife—because she is a Cushite woman, not an Israelite.

She alone breaks out in a rash, and is put in isolation outside the camp until she heals—even though her brother Aaron is equally guilty!

So this seems like true and pure sexism, unlike perhaps the example from last week.

It’s a good thing, at least, that God does not look favorably upon the gossip—perhaps gossip in general—nor upon their prejudice against the non-Israelite woman married to Moses.

And the Torah makes a point of saying that the Israelites could not break camp until Miriam was back in the fold.

There’s something else that’s been on my mind.

Which is, the “perfect” rescue of the four Israeli hostages a couple of weeks ago.

How “perfect” could it have been when almost 300 Palestinians were killed in the process, not to mention the Israeli commander who headed the mission?!

So much joy—alongside so much pain.

At times, it’s true; the Torah teaches us not to care about the lives of our “enemies.”

But there are other times, like in this week’s parsha, when we are taught that, even speaking against someone not officially a part of our tribe is despicable.

Not only is intermarriage between the tribes permissible; it should not become a subject of judgmental talk, according to this version of the God of our Bible.

This week on This American Life, I heard the update on the developing story of Yousef and his family.

For some reason, it hit me hard this time.

Who knows why, when I’ve been hearing the same information for eight months.

It’s not new that Gazans literally have no escape from the bombing and the starvation.

That there is literally no exit—

—except if you can come up with tens of thousands of dollars—in cash—for your family to maybe be allowed into Egypt!

(All top secret, not to piss anybody off.)

So how is it…

How is it the case that so many people are walking around unable to see—unable to feel anything for all the lives being lost (whether they’re hostages or Palestinians!) and all these people being starved—where a bag of flour costs 200 American dollars?

Where is our collective conscience?

Yes: religion is misused and abused.

For exclusivity, for hatred, for triumphalism.

But we can choose to use religion in different ways, just as we choose to listen to, or open ourselves, to certain pieces of information and not others.

Because religion also teaches us to open our hearts.

To love.

Isn’t it enough already?

Enough suffering for the hostages and their families?

Enough suffering for Gazans and their families?

Do we need any sort of test (of loyalty, perhaps, to an idea or a group?) in order to stop the violence?

Let us—all of us—not miss an important opportunity to stop looking at Israeli families, or Jewish families, or Palestinian families as separate from each other.

Let us—all of us—not miss the opportunity to see everyone as part of the human family.

Let us not choose to include some, and put others outside our camp to suffer alone.

And say Amen.

Hoping for Inspiration for Shavuos & Naso

It’s hard to find inspiration for writing so early in the week.

It would be easier if I could wait until Shavuos is over.

Especially since it’s the holiday of revelation and inspiration.

Yet, I know that after the holiday, on Friday, it will be too late for my blog.

So what do I have so far?

The stories of the Torah this week are not particularly appetizing—or inspiring.

The woman accused by her husband of sleeping with another man because he’s flown into a jealous fit?

Who is then given an almost literal witch trial (not quite like the one Donald Trump claims to have just gone through).

She is made to drink “waters of bitterness” by the Temple priest—who has cursed them.

If she has not “gone astray,” she will be unharmed by the spell he puts on her.

If she has, her belly will distend and her thigh will sag.

Not much for inspiration.

I could also go with the stories by a neighbor I ran into in the park just now.

He’s a young Jewish ER pediatrician at Harlem Hospital, within which the entirety of societal problems are encompassed.

In just one ER.

No, none of that will be inspiring as we go into Shavuos to receive enlightenment.

He told me of the mind-boggling situations he deals with.

Of his incredible frustration with individual parents in his ER.

Yet, he seems to understand systemic racism, and that slavery didn’t end two hundred years ago.

He said, no, Black people are still living it today.

Then there was the Israel/Gaza war that came up in our conversation.

He and his new wife lean “more strongly towards release of the hostages,” but also recognize that Israel is not innocent.

Now, that actually was inspiring.

We actually agreed that this is way more complex than most people want to admit—because it’s easier to “take sides” and be black and white.

We agreed that history matters.

And that, if the New York Times publishes an article about abuse of Palestinians happening in Israeli prisons, then it’s probably true.

And we should own it.

Mostly, we agreed that empathy should not be lost on “both sides,” for both peoples.

And it wasn’t hard to get there with him.

That warmed my heart, coming from someone, I’m guessing, who comes from a conservative, Zionist background.

So.

There is one little section in this week’s Torah reading that coincides perfectly with all this.

And with Shavuos.

God gives instructions to the Temple priest to bless the people.

They are the words that have become famously known as the Priestly Blessing by Jews, and the Priestly Benediction by Christians.

May the Lord Bless you and keep you!

May the Lord deal kindly and graciously with you, shining the light of his face upon you.

May the Lord bestow his favor upon you and grant you peace.

Thus they shall link My name with the people, I will bless them.

May it be so for us all.

And may good things be revealed for us in the near future.

Happy Shavuos, and Good Shabbos.

A Righteous Fight, Done With Hate, & Bamidbar

Two big things happened for my family this week.

First, over the weekend, there was a wedding.

A young cousin on my husband’s side of the family got married in Pennsylvania.

Of course, they’re my family, too, now, for over three decades.

I love them.

Every time we go out there to the Ecuadorean family, so different from my Jewish family, it’s like another world.

We belong there in that we love them, yet we are not a part of their world.

Oswaldo’s cousin was so grateful that we made the trek for her son’s wedding.

It meant a lot that it meant a lot to her.

I want—I think we all want—them to know that for us, they count.

Even if we live very different lives.

And we had a beautiful time.

Then, my daughter Rebecca graduated from college.

Another incredible family event.

It was emotional to be among thousands of families, the majority of whom are like my huband’s:

First generation immigrants.

And from all over the world!

It felt like such a gift.

For Rebecca to get an education among so many people who are struggling just to make it.

To live in a place where you experience the incredible diversity of the world—and of our country—all in one place.

To be surrounded by families that couldn’t even imagine, perhaps, that one day they would have a child who graduated from college!!

In the United States!

Students that maybe had to hold two—or even three jobs while making it through college!

And for them to be honored for their accomplishments despite all odds!

Just like my husband had.

And that he could proudly then help his own children get through college.

For him and all those people to be recognized as counting in our society.

So, yes, it was very emotional.

And a beautiful celebration.

(You can see photos here on my Facebook page if you haven’t yet.)

The main speaker, a Black Judge, Carlton W. Reeves of Mississippi, invoked the Civil Rights Movement.

This was easy, in a way.

Easy to talk about and easy to hear about.

We’ve been there already.

We look back on its historical struggles for justice and equality with gratitude, and even fondness.

A righteous fight fought by brave young people on university campuses.

An example of how to be in the world in order to effect change.

But then.

Then the Hunter College president spoke.

And when graduating students walked out in protest of the war in Gaza, she ignored them.

Her microphone was turned up, and she spoke louder in order to drown out the cries of protest.

She pretended it was business as usual, never acknowledging their cries.

It was like those students didn’t count.

Their concerns didn’t count.

The civilians dying in Gaza didn’t count.

She talked about her ancestors’ survival in the Nazi camps, and their rescue at the end of the war.

She talked about how, when given the chance for revenge, with guns placed in their hands, they put them down and walked away.

Instead of shooting the Nazi guards that had been their torturers, they said, “Enough. We’re done with hate.”

It was an emotional thing to hear.

But its meaning was lost when it couldn’t be applied to innocent lives being lost today in Gaza.

Its meaning was lost when the student protesters became insignificant in her eyes.

When their voices didn’t count as part of the historical strength of students fighting a righteous fight.

In this week’s Parsha, as we begin the book of Numbers, Bamidbar, or In the Wilderness, all the Israelites are counted.

Each tribe.

Each and every individual within each tribe.

The heads of the tribes are named, and on and on.

I only wish we could take this lesson into what’s happening in the world today.

I know we’re living in unprecedented times.

I know it’s a wilderness of uncharted territory.

But then again, is it?

Don’t we know about the cycle of hate and revenge?

And can’t we, also, decide to be done with it?

I want to bless us that we may live to see a world—and a country—in which we can be done with hate and revenge.

May we live to see a world and a country in which we can celebrate diversity, and help everyone achieve success—without working three jobs.

And be done with war.

Please say Amen.

And Shabbat Shalom.

The Whispers of B’khukotai

As a newish rabbi, when I learn new things, there’s always a sense that I was supposed to know it already.

And then I remind myself not to feel ashamed.

Because I came into the game of Judaism and rabbi-ing very late.

And learning goes on for a lifetime.

I’ll never know it all, so it’s really okay.

And then I let go of some of the shame.

So, this week I learned something new!

That for this Torah portion, you’re supposed to whisper while reciting it.

This idea spurred a very interesting conversation among my Jewish Women Clergy Collective.

Why do we whisper this Parsha?

Why do we whisper in general?

When do we whisper?

Is it only when we’re telling a secret?

Or when we don’t want everyone present to hear what we’re saying?

What about when we are ashamed of something we’re saying or sharing?

When we’re afraid of something “going out into the universe?”

This week’s Parsha is full of curses.

The curses are so horrible, so horrendous—that the custom arose of reciting them in a whisper.

Maybe it’s a kind of protection against the evil eye?

These curses follow last week’s Parsha in which we are told of all the good that will come once we “enter the land.”

All the good that will happen—as long as we follow the laws we are given.

Remember?

Like giving a rest to ourselves and the land and animals and workers on the Sabbath and during the Sabbatical year.

(Yes, the idea of teachers getting a sabbatical comes from the Torah—pretty cool, right?)

Also, like freeing all slaves (Hebrew ones, I must clarify), and returning all propertys to its original owner at the end of 49 years, the Jubilee.

But this week it’s all about what will happen if we don’t follow these laws.

Like, we will be running from our own shaddow.

Like, we will be so hungry, we will eat our own babies.

Yes, that kind of horrible.

So we can understand why we might not want to say all this too loudly.

But can whispering it also be a kind of turning away, a denial, a not wanting to hear it come out of our own mouth?

A recognition that what we are saying is literally unspeakable?

Perhaps like when we turn a blind eye to what is happening in Rafah now.

The way our government administration is doing.

Perhaps the way we stop talking about the climate emergency because we feel helpless?

Or take on the language of “natural disaster” when it’s anything but natural.

Perhaps we should think more about how we “enter the land,” who we are hurting in the process, and recognize it.

And maybe now is a time to actually feel ashamed.

Perhaps, just perhaps, we should listen to our Torah, even if, or especially when, it comes out in a whisper.

Because it’s really not okay.

At Least Try & B’har

Every time I visit my friend Debra in Connecticut, I am reminded what it means to live more in harmony with the Earth.

Or at least try.

That’s kind of her whole purpose—besides encouraging, teaching, and helping others do the same.

I hadn’t been there in three years.

Too long.

I’m sure I’ve introduced you to her before.

She has a dairy farm with the most beautiful Jersey cows.

She used to sell her raw milk.

It’s called Local Farm (“More Than a Memory” is her slogan).

(You can still visit her and she’ll be more than happy to show you around! Find some photos of our time together and of the farm here and also see her amazing piece of art that is her Earth Scroll on Facebook, which she tours around when asked!)

While there, I had her cows’ milk in my coffee, watched her make cheese, and got to eat it.

Together, we ground wheat berries with an old grinder on her porch.

Then she baked bread with the flour (one became a challah loaf for Shabbos!).

We ate it with her own butter.

She had me taste her homemade sauerkraut to see if it was ready.

Then we ate tons of it with the burger meat that came from her cows.

We ate eggs from a neighbor.

And mixed in wild greens she picked from the road and behind her house.

We walked many miles every day, some of them barefoot through the woods.

We slept in hammocks on her porch in the moonlight (or at least tried).

We prayed together and sang together late into the night.

We laughed together.

We cried together.

Sometimes we were two women alone.

Sometimes we were three or four or five, talking about what’s real.

And that’s a good piece of my story of our almost-four days together.

A piece of the Torah this week in the Parsha called B’har (on the mountain), we get a good dose of what it means to live in harmony with the Earth.

And with our community.

Or at least try.

We are given the laws of Shabbat, of the Sabbatical, and then the Jubilee.

We are told we must rest, our animals must rest, those who work for us must rest, those within our community must rest.

And that the land must rest.

We are told how to fair with transactions and how to treat those in need.

And when the Jubilee comes, all houses and property go back to their original owner.

No ifs, ands, or buts.

So.

In this fraught time, when everything is so tense and frightening and uncertain, we must find time to rest.

And refresh ourselves.

Or at least try.

In whatever way that translates for each of us.

And if you’d like to share with me how you are finding time to take care of yourself, and trying to live in harmony with the Earth, I welcome your comments.

They are always meaningful to me, and I thank you.

Shabbat Shalom.

Nothing New Except You People & Emor

Is it okay if one week feels like it just blends in to the next?

And I feel like there’s nothing new to say?

Same old, same old in the news, except worse.

Nothing much new in my life.

Except that, for some reason, from someplace in Cyberspace, I learned of a movie called “You People.”

I read about the critique of it, and it peaked my interest.

(It’s been at least a month since I’ve watched anything. I like to tell my husband how superior I am because of that (lol).)

The movie is about a couple in California: Jewish guy and a Black-American Muslim woman.

It got terrible push-back from the Jewish community especially.

Being truly curious, I watched it.

It’s got some famous actors, for one.

The Jewish mother (from Seinfeld and SNL) treats her new future daughter-in-law like a token to be shown off.

She embarrasses herself and her family perpetually with her ignorance.

I’M embarrassed by her.

The Black father (Eddie Murphy) tries to ruin the relationship deliberately.

The whole thing perpetuates SO many stereotypes.

Yes, it brings out some important themes: 1. Take responsibility for learning about what it’s like to be Black. 2. If you’re white, you will never, ever know what it feels like to be Black in America. 3. You should never compare the Black experience with the Jewish experience.

But the Jews in the movie are unreasonably wealthy and the Black people curse way too much and want to get easy money.

Neither group seems to try to live by the tenets of their religion in any practical way.

(Which bothered me especially.)

Though heartwarming in the end, it actually makes both Jewish and Black people look awful.

And truly solves no problems at all for the world.

A few quick thoughts on this week’s Parsha:

Emor ends with a strange little story.

A fight breaks out in the camp between two (young?) men.

One is half Israelite/half Egyptian.

The other is full Israelite.

The latter blasphemes God’s name.

For such a crime, it is clear that the punishment is death by stoning.

Whether you’re an Israelite or not, as long as you are within the walls of the Israelite community, the same rules apply to all.

(A fact that is always interesting to me.)

Everyone within hearing is to lay their hands upon the guilty one.

Meaning, everyone is responsible, according to ancient commentary.

The Israelite’s mother is Shelomit, daughter of Dibri.

Other ancient commentary says that her name infers, besides peace, that she talks too much, causing problems (an interesting contradiction, don’t you think?).

Why her son is then the problem, I’m not sure, except maybe that our gossip creates and spreads problems.

The Rabbis make a big deal out of speech.

They remind us repeatedly about its effects.

For, with words, the world was created.

Thus, the world is repeatedly, constantly, renewed and re-created.

So we must never underestimate the power of our words.

What follows this little story of the fight and a stoning are the famous verses, “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”

Not meant to be taken literally, but rather to say, an even exchange.

I leave you with questions.

How can these ideas be applied to our lives?

Our world?

Ideas about witnessing as a way of taking responsibility?

Ideas about the power of speech and the effect of our words?

And about, well, I guess, retaliation?

Or making up for what harm we’ve done?

How should we apply these ideas in our personal lives?

And in the world?

Do you have anything you’d like to share with me?

Please leave a comment below.

Shabbat Shalom.

Weddings, Campus Protests, Holocaust Remembrance Day, & Kedoshim. (You know what I mean?)

I’m putting the campus protests aside for just a moment.

Even though I’m obsessed.

I’m putting aside the idea that perhaps all that we are hearing, even in mainstream media, is not completely accurate.

That perhaps there is instigation and fear-mongering for political gain (for a helpful read, take a look at this and this).

Right now, though, I need to tell you about two weddings I officiated this week.

(But please stay curious, because I will circle back around before the end.)

On Saturday night, it was a Jewish-Indian wedding in Queens (NYC, for those who don’t know).

Tuesday evening, it was at a beach wedding out on Long Island.

(Very different vibe, both gorgeous, and you can check out a few photos here.)

In both cases, the bride was Jewish and the groom was not.

There was no other officiant other than the rabbi (that’s me!) in both cases, so you can’t totally call them interfaith.

The brides really wanted their Jewish wedding.

The one they had dreamed of.

And the grooms were very happy to go along with it.

Their faith, in either case, is not very strong.

Yet their identity as Jews is important enough for them to want a rabbi.

Again and again, I hear of rabbis yelling at couples like these.

What they all seek is someone to support them spiritually and Jewishly, and also appreciate and fully welcome their non-Jewish partner and family.

Not just half-assed. You know what I mean?

In both cases, the families loved and supported their children’s choices wholeheartedly and joyfully.

It’s the way most of us would like to see the world.

Everybody getting along. You know what I mean?

Both times there was absolutely no awareness (forget regard) for kosher food and what that means.

There was pork sausage and cheese (in the same dish), shrimp, and meat in cream sauces…that kind of thing.

I tried my best to keep within my own, personal guidelines, and worried momentarily if others were watching what “The Rabbi” was eating.

Then I realized they weren’t. And couldn’t care less.

For them, I was no less of a rabbi for what I might be eating—than for being a woman.

The couples heard Jewish prayers, circled each other, and sang Jewish songs, said Hebrew words, were lifted up in chairs, and danced their horah.

And nobody worried about just how Jewish or not-Jewish it all was.

They were curious, but not judgy.

You know what I mean?

(Where did those melodies come from? That feeling they got when everyone sang together?)

And the couples had their dream come true.

This week in Torah (yes, here it comes), we are reminded not to follow practices of “other nations.”

And to “love our fellow as ourselves.”

(Even the “stranger in our midst.”)

When I first thought about officiating at weddings, I thought it would be a (perhaps) good way to monetize on my rabbi skills.

I thought of it as maybe just a little bit frivolous, like people were just creating their “dream wedding.”

A little Disney-like.

But it’s been confirmed for me again and again, for most people, that it’s so much more.

At the beginning of each wedding, I’ve made it a custom to point out that at the end of the ceremony, the couple will break a glass.

I point to the feeling that we all have, right now especially, perhaps, that the world is very broken.

(Everyone nods and sighs. Or sighs and nods.)

Then I tell them of the Jewish mystical teaching that the world was created with a broken vessel.

And that we Jews, and humans in general, are a tiny piece of that vessel.

That we are meant to participate in repairing this vessel, and thus repairing the world.

Each in our own small way.

I also bring in the Jewish mystical idea that every couple is Divinely arranged.

And that each match carries with it the potential for Tikkun, or repair.

At the end of the day, what I realize is that I am not only offering the idea that the couple can play a part in the Tikkun of the world, but I am as well.

I help open space in the Jewish world where there is often judgement and exclusion.

Where there is hierarchy of “purity,” and patriarchy.

Let’s take this a step further.

Let’s think about what we’re saying not only to each other, but about each other—within “our own” people.

Remember, we are commanded to love our fellow as ourselves.

Yet, the vicious (yes, vicious) speech of my fellow Jews toward each other is hurtful, harmful, and divisive.

Regardless of who’s right, who’s wrong, who’s doing more harm, who’s more hateful.

It’s infuriating.

To read on social media, or hear with my own ears, as Jews hurl insults at each other.

That others should claim that their fellow Jews who “deny Zionism must also deny their Jewishness.”

Do we have the right to define other people’s Jewishness for them?

Are these same people claiming the right to define another’s gender or sexual orientation for them?

Or the right to define another’s nationality or peoplehood for them?

If others do this to Jews, and we don’t like it, should we do it to them?

For instance:

Are Jews a religion or a nationality?

Are Jews a people?

A race?

A culture?

Are Palestinians a “legitimate” people, or is that “fake”?

Does any of this even really matter?

Isn’t what matters most is that hostages are still being held, and may not come out alive?

Isn’t what matters most is that people are dying of starvation, being killed and displaced?

Isn’t what matters most is that people are being traumatized?

How can we proclaim that we are a peace-loving people as Jews when we participate in judging and insulting each other?

I don’t really care in this moment who is right and who is wrong.

What I do care about is misinformation.

I care about the press (including mainstream media!) going after the “sexiest” stories without actually talking to students on campus, for instance.

I care about politicians (who couldn’t care less about Jews and antisemitism) taking advantage of a situation for their personal gain.

I care about social media becoming a place for hate speech and insults—and more misinformation.

I care about whether we are willing to consider the possibility that what we are hearing or reading might not be entirely true.

I care about whether we can be open to information from sources outside what is the norm for each of us.

Information that might make us uncomfortable because it challenges our sense of self.

Our sense of identity.

Our sense of safety, and keeps us inside our own little bubble.

But what if our bubble keeps us in a place of fear?

Are there people who profit from our fear and want to keep us there?

I wonder if Holocaust Remembrance Day has been used to reinforce that fear.

But let me be clear; I in no way belittle the fear.

Fear is very real, and based on a history of real trauma.

But often fear and trauma become a reason to be Jewish.

And do we want to stay stuck in a place of fear, consciously or unconsciously?

How is that helpful?

So I ask, can we simply be open to hearing?

In spite of our fear.

Can we challenge ourselves to stay curious?

In spite of our fear.

And in spite if what we think we know?

In spite of our historical and/or personal trauma?

And then decide what’s true and what’s not.

This week I want to bless us with being more open to different information.

To break out of our habits.

To be kinder to each other, and encourage others to do the same by way of example.

And thus, in one small way, to participate in the Tikkun, the repair, of the world.

Then maybe we can get closer to achieving the world we say we dream of.

May it be so.

Shabbat Shalom.

Expansiveness & Acharey Mot

The ancient rabbis said we were supposed to experience Passover personally.

We are to feel as if we had each lived slavery and had a form of personal liberation.

That we have come out of a narrow place, our own personal Egypt, or Mitzraim, into a more expansive existence.

As the Israelites did in the desert.

It sure is hard to live expansively in this moment.

We are gripped by fear, anger, rage, defensiveness, divisiveness.

This year, where was there room at our Passover seders to experience the joy of family and friends—

If only we shut it all off and shut it all out for the moment.

For Jews, and also for Palestinians and their supporters, there is so much unrest.

Many Jews feel alone and abandoned.

This, despite full economic support of the U.S. for Israel in this current war.

From the famous Hillel quote, they cry out, “Who will be for us if we are not for ourselves?”

And, “When has anyone been for us in reality?”

Other Jews cry out, “If we are only for ourselves, then who are we?”

The encampments across U.S. college campuses, the anti-semitic tropes by certain factions and individuals, the call for the National Guard, the violence of police, demonstrations across the world, the rise in hate speech and actions…

All together, these things have everyone horrified.

Incensed.

In disbelief.

For many, it’s like the rest of the world has come to a stop.

Nothing else matters.

Where is there room for expansive thinking?

Expansive feeling?

This week the Torah portion begins with the memory of Aaron’s two sons who were killed by God for offering an “alien fire.”

It quickly moves on to God telling Moses to pass on a message to his brother Aaron:

Do not “come in at will” to a certain place at the entrance of the Temple.

For God hangs out there in a cloud above it, and God’s presence will be too powerful for any person to live.

The text moves on again quickly to the sacrifice of two goats.

One is for God.

The other, for the mysterious “Azazel.”

The goat designated as Azazel is chosen by lots.

Is this Azazel creature a demon?

Our own “evil inclination”?

The things we say to slander others?

Our hate speech, maybe?

Is it a scapegoat?

There’s a rabbinic story that has the goat designated to Azazel being pushed off a cliff.

Thus will the person or family who has offered the goat be cleansed of their sins.

Even their clothing must be washed afterwards.

Otherwise, the guilt will stick.

In other words, a total transformation must happen.

Kind of like what’s supposed to take place through the course of Passover.

We come out the other end free.

In a Hassidic interpretation of Azazel, we are to spend as much time, money, energy dedicated to God’s purposes as to earthly concerns or attractions.

We need to be engaging in this debate that’s happening over Israel and the Palestinians.

It’s necessary.

People’s human rights are being violated.

Death by starvation and destruction are happening.

But we can’t choose the goat designated to Azazel by lots.

It’s not random.

The defense of Jews by right-wing Republicans is very deliberate—and can’t be trusted as sincere.

This war is very deliberate.

The decision to continue the destruction is not random.

Nor is the decision not to free hostages.

So, clouds where God hangs out and hides.

Will you please reveal yourself so we can find truth?

And hate speech and scapegoating.

Can we not get sucked into it and participate in it?

And fear.

Can we not get sucked into living in a place of fear, expecting to be attacked at any moment, whether verbally or physically?

Finally, can we keep an open mind?

It took a very long time for the Israelites to learn to live from a more expansive place.

Or did they ever?

Can we?

Shabbat Shalom.

A Passover Sacrifice & Metzora

I know I’m not the only one more than a little concerned about my Passover seder this year.

What with the political situation, namely Israel and Gaza, and the differing opinions within my family, I’m a bit worried about how that’s going to go down.

Usually at Passover, we bring in current events or political situations happening in the world.

What else, after all, is the use of Passover except to apply the idea of enslavement, oppression, and freedom to today’s world.

After all, according to the Haggadah, the book we use for suggested readings—and to remind us of “the order” (the seder)—we are to relive the experience of slavery as if we, too, were once slaves.

We are to imagine what freedom feels like to us, personally.

For people in Israel and Gaza, living a feeling of oppression, or entrapment at the very least, is very real.

I keep hearing that for Israelis, it’s as if it’s still October 7th in terms of the felt trauma.

Many are still wondering if their captive relatives and friends are even alive.

For Gazans, well…

So how do we come away from our seder this year without having caused upset or anger at the very least.

Or a full-blown fight?

Do we avoid it altogether in order to keep the peace, and pretend not to see the Elephant in the Room?

Or are there ways to talk about it without talking about it?

For some fascinating—and very helpful—thoughts on this, I happened listen to Chutzpod.

Every episode of Chutzpod addresses a listener who has written in with a challenging question, and the hosts seek to answer it.

I highly recommend it to you in general, but especially this episode—

—if you’re worried about the same thing as I am—and I imagine I’m not alone!

It’s all about how we talk, and how we go about discussing difficult things.

Now for this week’s Parsha as we get ready for difficult discussions.

As I said last week, metzora, often incorrectly translated as leprosy, can be found on the walls of a house.

It shows up again in this week’s Parsha.

I remind you that the ancient rabbis thought of it as a spiritual malady.

To take that even further, they thought of it as a miraculous physical manifestation of lashon hara (I credit Rabbi Jonathan Sacks for this reminder this week).

Lashon hara, or evil tongue, is gossip, or speaking about another person in a way that could damage their reputation.

Because with words, God created the world.

With words, worlds are created.

Or worlds are destroyed.

The Parsha describes scrubbing the walls of a house to rid itself of metzora.

I imagine the mouth as a house for the tongue and the old-fashioned punishment for cursing of washing a child’s out with soap.

Or scraping the tongue, which is good for one’s health in general.

I wonder if we can all go into Passover this year being especially mindful of our words.

Because with words, the world is created.

And the opposite.

Because on Passover, we’re supposed to sacrifice a lamb, not our family.

And can we say Amen?

And a happy Passover to all.

A Serious and Total Eclipse of the Heart, Passover Cleaning, & Tazria

I’m feeling very serious this week.

That, in spite of the festivities around the total eclipse we witnessed across parts of North America this week.

Yes, it was very festive, with people gathering in large numbers for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

(Woohoo!)

More than one person made the clever joke of singing, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Opportunities abounded for cool social media posts.

And for opportunists looking to make money.

(I bet those special eyeglasses made millions.)

And the earthquake we had last week?

Very exciting, too, and more than a little scary, though not damaging at all.

Right away a t-shirt came out: “I Survived the 2024 NYC Earthquake.”

Opportunities also abound for political action these days.

Walking around New York City, it’s easy to see people wearing kafias, the traditional Palestinian scarf.

The kafia has once again become a central symbol for liberation since the war on Gaza began (it’s hard to say it’s “on Hamas,” the way things look from the outside).

I think, in light of the destruction, starvation, and death happening there, such solidarity is warranted--and before you jump to conclusions about my message, please read to the end. 

Yes, I always wish I could be the Jew, or especially the rabbi, who stops to talk to those kafia-wearing people and let them know this is painful for me to watch as well.

I want people to know that not all Jews think alike.

And that there are those who care just as much for Palestinian life as Jewish life.

I, as much as anyone, don’t want that blemish, the scar of murder, on the name of Judaism.

When Israel first began its bombing of Gaza, I had a beautiful moment with a young, Muslim woman, a tourist, in the park.

She was afraid of a squirrel who just wanted her muffin, and I stopped to reassure her.

Then we talked about Gaza.

She was so touched to hear that I was Jewish, and a rabbi no less, and that I cared so deeply about people other than my own.

We hugged and cried together (and she immediately put it on social media—of course).

On my way home from the park just this past Sunday, I passed a group of musicians.

They were a large group, many strumming on ukuleles, all singing in unison.

From various Latin American countries, they were dancing and playing music of the “working man.”

Songs of liberation sung by an elite group of educated Latinos.

One of them was wearing a kafia, and it occurred to me for the first time, how curious.

Yes, I hate that Israel is carrying out a collective punishment so brutal that we see shocking images of starving children as horrifying as any.

For Jews, and especially as a rabbi, I feel a special responsibility to speak out against such injustice.

But just as horrifying is the denial that rape and death were wrought upon innocent people in Israel by Hamas.

And the rise of hatred against Jews.

Hamas is anything but an innocent group of people simply fighting for the liberation of their people.

True: at this point, more than 33,000 Palestinians have been killed.

Meanwhile, by comparison, “only” something in the ballpark of 1,000 Israelis were killed in the initial attack by Hamas.

But we should not allow one horror to totally eclipse another.

And I wonder at how the Palestinian cause has become so central to the cause for liberation in general around the world.

Once again, it feels like "Jews don’t count" as a people in need of defense and protection--because we've "made it" in the world.

Once again, we are collectively guilty—as a people—in the eyes of the world.

What’s more, here are Latinos seemingly more concerned, more outspoken, for Palestinian liberation than for their ownpeople.

Are they initiating, or participating in, demonstrations for the hundreds dying in the Sonoran Desert of Mexico every year—perhaps the very least of the suffering wrought by U.S. immigration policies?

Our own government has done nothing of substance to change the ills that plague our city and our country.

What about all the mentally ill, drug-addicted people—

—abandoned people who have no other recourse than to sleep in the streets—or treated like criminals for sleeping in the subway among rats?

And treated with disgust and disdain by passersby.

Twenty six million Americans have no health insurance at all and can’t afford to go to the doctor.

Meanwhile, many who are insured are left with insurmountable medical debt.

A friend pointed out that it almost seems easier to fight for something happening on the other side of the world than for what’s happening right here in our very own city and country.

In schools and universities, or in malls and movie theaters all around the country, people have to face the possibility of mass shootings daily.

And, have we given up the fight around green house gases and global warming?

Temperatures on the East Coast are more normal for June than for April, and it’s pretty horrifying.

And don’t even get me started on abortion.

Or police brutality and racism. 

But the thing that might cause Trump to win the upcoming presidential elections will be Biden’s Israel policies.

Yes, his Israel policies are a blemish on his presidency.

But is this just the latest in the hot spot until we move on to the next horrifying thing and forget about all the rest?

Okay, okay, enough of my ranting (sorry if I’m boring you with things you already know).

Let’s move on to Torah (unless this is where you stop reading—hahaha!).

This week in Torah we hear all about different manifestations of tzara’at.

Tzara’at is mostly incorrectly translated as leprosy; its symptoms simply do not align.

Tzara’at could manifest in various ways, such as a rash, a sore, a patch of white skin, or even on the walls of a house.

It is presumed to be infectious; blemishes that form scabs and leave scars once they are healed.

Various sacrifices are to be made in the Temple, clothes to be washed, isolation “outside the camp,” walls to be scrubbed, until examined and pronounced “clean” by the priest.

The ancient rabbis saw tzara’at as a physical manifestation of a type of spiritual malaise.

It was seen as a sign that those infected needed to mend their ways, make changes to the way they were living.

Well, we certainly know we have many “ways” we need to mend.

We know we must find a new way of living.

Next week, many of us will be cleaning our houses as we get ready for Passover, removing chametz, which is any leavened food products, down to the crumbs.

Chametz represented a kind of “puffing up” of our egos to the ancient rabbis.

Passover is not only a time for cleaning out, but also a time for renewal—as the springtime brings new life forth onto the Earth.



It's a sign of hope. 


So here's my blessing for the week: 

Let us participate in this renewal by “cleaning” our inner thoughts and attitudes as well.

Let us let go of our puffed egos of self-righteousness.

Because we, too, are “unclean” when we spew hatred in the name of love.

We are “unclean” when we desire or dream of revenge.

Worse, our attitudes and ways of thinking are themselves infectious.

What exists now, in all camps, is a way of thinking that blames an entire people.

Whether it is, yet again, “The Jews,” this time for a government’s criminal actions.

Or “The Arabs” or “The Muslims” or “The Palestinians,” for a representative organization’s criminal actions.

So I beseech you—I beseech us all.

Let our hearts not be eclipsed by one type of suffering over another.

Let us cleanse ourselves of “unclean thoughts” that include blame and hatred as we get ready for Passover.

Let us not, individually and collectively, add to the suffering in the world in a way that will leave scars that can never be healed.

And let us say Amen.

Just a Poem (for Shemini?)

This week, I got nothin’.

At least I don’t think so—or didn’t.

This week is the week when Moses’ nephews are consumed by fire.

They have offered what has been translated as “alien fire” to God.

Their crime is initiating a sacrifice without God’s command or consent.

It’s a tragic story with little sense to its punishment—and no time to grieve.

Instead of a story of my own, I offer another poem by Mark Nepo:

Above and Below:

Before I could speak, I reached

for something shiny. And godlike

figures swooping in from nowhere

blew small winds in my ear.

Later my parents tried to tell me

there was no wind. It was our relatives

playing with me in my crib. But I know

better. For over the years I’ve been re-

arranged by movements of air. And kept

alive more than once by godlike things

swooping in from nowhere.

You see, things are always what they

seem and more. Like icebergs, above

and below. Like what we say. And what

happens to us. Like the ribbon of to-

morrow behind the winter trees this

instant. Just another day and the call

of all that is waiting out of view.

So when I chance upon an infant

I lean in close and close my eyes, let-

ting all the love I’ve known and dreamed

rise from the basin of my being. Until it

rounds the soft precipice of my mouth

and falls as a whisper that might

steer a life toward light when lost.

(From his book, The Way Under the Way)

Lessons of Bravery from Death & Tzav

This afternoon I led another funeral.

This woman was kind and brave and full of love.

She knew how to keep on living and find joy—create joy—in life, despite suffering and grief.

She was an accepting person who did not judge others.

Rather she listened intently, and made every effort to understand their point of view.

And ultimately accepted their decision as their right, even if she might ultimately still disagree.

Professionally, as a Hearings Officer, she had defended the rights of those seeking disability from the government.

Sometimes to the point of controversy—because she cared so deeply about accuracy and fairness.

At the end of her life, when dying of leukemia, she made a lot of people angry when choosing to stop treatment.

Many people who loved her thought she was giving up.

What she was actually doing was surrendering to the inevitable.

Some of her doctors were uncaring once she made this decision.

As you can imagine, this was very painful to her daughter who cared for her and had to fight for her comfort.

She wondered if their main concern was for their “statistics.”

Jewish tradition does not support the right for a person to hasten death, say by taking pills to end life sooner than would be natural.

Saving a life is also one of the highest values in Judaism.

But Judaism does not prohibit removing treatment when the end is inevitable.

I think this woman’s decision was a brave one.

Especially in the face of so much opposition, anger, and sometimes lack of kindness.

I wish we all had the bravery to defend the rights of others and our own rights as well.

I think of those who seem dispensable in our society, and have few people defending them.

Today, I think of the immigrant workers on the Key Bridge in Maryland who died yesterday morning when the cargo ship hit it—-because of the lack of an emergency system in place to warn them. (There was enough time to stop traffic, but no communication system for those filling potholes.)

Today, I think of people like the Arizona State Senator fighting to maintain some remnant of the right to choose abortion in this country.

Today, I think of those willing to stand up against rising antisemitism despite what Israel is doing in Gaza.

Today, I think of those willing to report and speak out against the criminal actions of the Israeli government in Gaza in blocking aid to starving Palestinians.

This week’s parsha continues to explain the rules of the Temple and the sacrifices brought to clean the people of their wrongdoings.

One rule is to keep the fire burning continually on the altar.

It must not go out.

I leave you with this poem by Mark Nepo from The Way Under the Way.

I read it at the memorial service in honor of the deceased:

Yes, We Can Talk

Having loved enough and lost enough,

I’m no longer searching

Just opening.

No longer trying to make sense of pain

But trying to be a soft and sturdy home

In which real things can land.

These are the irritations

That rub into a pearl.

So we can talk for a while

But then we must listen,

The way rocks listen to the sea.

And we can churn at all that goes wrong

But then we must lay all distractions

Down and water every living seed.

And yes, on nights like tonight

I, too, feel alone. But seldom do I 

Face it squarely enough

To see that it’s a door

Into the endless breath that has no breather, 

In the surf that human

Shells call God. 

May we learn to listen better, hear other people’s pain.

May we be a soft and sturdy home for that pain, see it as a seed, and open the door to peace and positive change in the world.

May we make a world where people die in dignity.

May we remember our highest values, live through them, and create a world where saving lives is a priority.

May the fire of our bravery in defending ourselves and others not go out.

And say Amen.

Truth: A Eulogy for a Life Lived with Passion, Love, Loss, & Addiction (Ms. Anonymous)

People like to say that love is simple.

But more often than not, love is very complicated. 

We hurt the ones we love, and we love the ones who hurt us.

Love is actually really hard work. 

It means making sacrifices, and trusting others to find their own way even when we think we know better. And when we can’t let go, we often hurt those we love. 

Our culture also teaches that grief should be simple; someone dies, and we are sad. 

But grief is as complex as love.

We are left with feelings of guilt and regret at the things we did wrong, the things we didn’t do, the way we hurt the person we loved, for the times we were angry or didn’t give them space, or didn’t trust them enough, or didn’t let them in. The list goes on, as I’m sure everyone knows.

There’s also something officially called “complicated grief,” which can mean two things: that grief lasts longer than is culturally or socially “typical” or acceptable.

But it can also mean that we are grappling with very complex feelings about the person who has died.

With Ms. Anonymous and her family and friends, all of this was, and is, true. 

For Ms. Anonymous, who experienced the loss of many friends and family over the years, too many for one person to handle well, her grief was deep and long-lasting.

And the love between Ms. Anonymous and her family was deep, but also not easy.

I know it was deep because her parents, as far as I can see, would do anything to make things better or easier for her, and to make sure that their grandchild, Ms. Anonymous’ son, was loved and cared for and had all the privileges and care they had given Tessa as a child growing up.

I know it was deep because she accepted their love and support. 

And it was complicated because of Ms. Anonymous’ history with addiction, and of physical and emotional pain.  

I know her love was deep, and complicated too, because of the herculean effort it must have taken for Ms. Anonymous to stay completely sober for as long as was humanly possible for her so she could be a good mother to her child over many years.

I know it was deep because of the way she planned for her son’s birth, and the choice she made to give him the best possible nourishment from her own body for way longer than is socially acceptable in our American culture (and I promise I won’t embarrass him by saying how long!).

I know her love was deep because, despite the chronic and deep physical and emotional pain she experienced most of her life, she made sure to be fun loving and affectionate with her son whenever she was able, as he told me himself.

She loved so deeply and so truly that she wanted to do right by everyone and, I can guess, was disappointed in herself when she let those she loved down, Ms. Anonymous’ love went beyond her family, to animals and other people.

She treated and loved the stranger as herself, which is one of the strongest and central tenets of Judaism. 

She made friends with the unhoused she encountered on the street, bringing them food and clothing.

She learned to love the stranger from the values she got from her parents, to care about the underdog, whether it was the hungry, the unhoused, 

or the rights of women to be in charge of their own bodies, or for the dignity of the LGBTQ community she was so closely allied and aligned with.  

She loved poetry, a love her father transmitted to her by reading to her at night—or in the middle of the night if she couldn’t fall asleep. 

And her own poetry showed great talent, maturity, and depth from a very young age.  

Last but certainly not least, Ms. Anonymous was a “nature baby.”

I feel this is a good time to turn the microphone over to others who knew and loved Tessa deeply, to add to the richness of the story of Ms. Anonymous’ life. 

How (not?) to Live: A Eulogy for Sir Anonymous, an Overachiever

Time. 

All we have is time.

And it never feels like enough. 

We spend our lives running, achieving, trying to excel: proving. 

When people die young, we like to say they died before their time. 

We rail at the injustice of it. The tragedy! How could this happen? 

We are bewildered: Why?”

It all feels so unfair. 

And relationships–whether between a child and parent, spouses, siblings, even friends, are never simple. 

When someone dies, young or old, many feelings come along with it. 

Close loved ones may wonder how they will live without that person. 

They anticipate all the times in the future when they won’t be there–for Christmases,  Chanukahs, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, New Year’s. 

It’s so sad.

But there is also anger. And resentment.

Anger at the forces that caused the person to die, anger at the disease that took them.

Anger at the person for dying.  

There can be resentment for who they were, or who they weren’t: how they fell short. 

Sir Anonymous was an overachiever— “driven” is probably a word many would use to describe him—both in life and in death and dying. 

And when you’re driven, balance in life is not a thing you can easily throw into the mix of “achievements.” 

Sir Anonymous was obviously well-loved, by all accounts. 

And for good reason.

He loved fiercely, and took Jewish values out into the world—I imagine as he had been taught, whether implicitly or explicitly.

Values that come from centuries—-millennia—-of discrimination and oppression. 

Values that teach that once you’ve made it in a place, you give back by supporting others who still struggle to overcome discrimination they experience—whether implicitly or explicitly.  

But when you’re an overachiever, you’re bound to disappoint–even, or maybe especially, yourself-–because you can’t be everything to everyone. 

You can’t do anything alone. No one can. And I think Sir Anonymous knew that. 

Perhaps Sir Anonymous thought, I have an amazing wife who I trust with all my heart–who I trust with my own life!--and I can be the provider while she holds up the house. My kids are okay. We’ve given them all the advantages they need to make it in the world already. So what was left? 

It seems that what was left was the drive to make sure he passed on his grit and determination to them, to make sure they knew what a hard world this is—-to be a coach to them like he was with everyone–and they’d be okay.

Such a drive can sometimes come out with harshness, but it comes from the same place of fierce and unrelenting love.  

Yes, Sir Anonymous tried to be everything to everyone–an impossible feat, bound to disappoint.

Because when you’re an overachiever, you feel like you’ll never get there, so you just keep pushing forward: the only way to go in life. 

But in the past four years, that changed. 

His Son Anonymous told me the other day that Sir Dad Anonymous’ every New Year’s resolution was about being more present in the coming year.

And as tragic as Sir Dad Anonymous’ death was, as unfair as it feels, it gave him the chance to be fully present for his family–most of all, his children–in a way he had not been able to before.

Finally, he could stop the running, achieving, excelling, proving.

He could just be. 

Wife Anonymous, though separated from him, stepped in to join forces with him and his doctors to help make it possible for Sir Husband Anonynous to survive his cancer for as long as he did.

Yes, Sir Anonymous was incredibly positive and determined, something he learned from his mother.

He coached everyone in every moment—even himself. 

While he “should not have lived” more than a year and a half according to the normal prognosis for his illness, he survived four years. 

And they were good years, up until the very end—full of unrelenting determination to make them just so.  

These were years that he took seriously—to live with a presence he could only fully learn knowing he was eventually going to die. 

He took the time to reconnect with his children in a way much deeper and more real than had been possible before–and that his Daughter Anonymous made possible through her dedication and love and her own hard, inner work. 

These very hard four years, from the beginning of a pandemic (remember Covid?), were a time when Sir Anonymous spent the gift of time in joy with his children.

Through his illness, he continued to play basketball with his boys, and joked and laughed with them.

But if it hadn’t been for Wife Anonymous’ immense love and strength–her love for him and their children—her presence–Sir Anonymous could not have survived the normal prognosis for his kind of cancer.

After putting things in order to make sure Wife Anonymous wouldn’t be left with insurmountable medical debt, an injustice that should not be wrought on anyone, Sir Anonymous could finally let go and just “be”--with them–seeing and appreciating them fully in their own right–for which they are incredibly grateful.

With that, for some personal stories, I hand over the mic to those who knew and loved him.

Come Sunday, Be Present, & VaYikra

When Sunday rolled around again this past week, I sang in front of a crowd of over 200 people.

It was in a gothic chapel with high vaulted ceilings.

I’d never done anything like that before.

Of course, I was nervous.

But I did well—

—with the help and encouragement of various people in my life coaching me, telling me I could do it.

“Just be present.”

And I was.

As people left, they thanked me for a beautiful service, and for my beautiful voice.

It felt like they were thanking me for a gift, which was how I wanted it to feel—like the gift I get from others’ voices—

—and from meaningful, thoughtful words shared.

Wow, did that feel good.

Such an accomplishment.

It was for the tragic death of a man in his late 50’s who died of brain cancer.

I was the rabbi who officiated at his funeral, and I wanted to honor him and his family by doing well.

I met with his wife and their children, all three in their 20’s, a couple of days prior.

Three children, whose weddings he would not be attending at some future date.

Anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays he would no longer celebrate with them.

He’d been an overachieving, high-performer who’d wanted to be everything to everyone.

Extremely positive and determined, he’d made it through four whole years—while his prognosis had been but a year and a half!

And he’d accomplished this despite starting at the beginning of a pandemic! (Yes, remember Covid?)

An overachiever—both in life and death!

A star basketball player, successful entrepeneur, he’d coached others constantly—even himself (how else could he make it through?).

He’d saved thousands of inspirational quotes sent to him by his own coach to keep himself going.

Phrases like, “Faith Embraces Uncertainty.”

He was a model patient, never complaining, always encouraging, always smiling: never burdening his family—to the last days.

This was one beautiful gift he gave them at the end of his life.

While he gave them another gift, that of presence, in his last four years, this hadn’t been the case for most of his married and parenting life.

Because when you need to be there for all, in the end, you’re present for very little.

This week in Torah we begin the book of Leviticus, VaYikra, the third of the five Books of Moses.

It begins with sacrifices.

Gifts to God to make expiation for one’s sins—for incurring guilt.

Some of these we do knowingly and intentionally.

Others are done unwittingly.

For each type of wrongdoing, there are specific types of sacrifices, using various animals, for instance.

Adjustments are made depending on means and available resources.

This man I never met was good man—a great man, as many attested—with a big heart, loved by many.

It was evident by the large numbers present for his memorial.

And he loved deeply.

As soon as he knew he was going to die, he put his affairs in order, selling his company and making sure his wife would not be left with medical debt—a sin in itself incurred by our American lack of Universal Health Care—an intentional sin by our government, in my eyes.

So what’s sin got to do with this guy?

He’d tried so hard.

He’d wanted to be everything to everyone, taking his learned Jewish values out into the world, coaching young people from undreprivileged families.

He’d given to the world!

Yet—when you try that hard, when you’re that driven, balance is not one of the achievements you can boast of in life.

Despite everything, he was likely to disappoint.

Despite all his efforts, he still could not achieve all, and save the world.

He was absent, and often harsh, with his own children, as he pushed them to do their best.

He wanted to make sure they knew that this world is tough, and that to survive, you have to be tough.

In my eulogy, I said I understood this.

After all, I’m a parent.

Have I not done these things?

Been absent, if only in my mind?

Been harsh when I thought this would instill a sense of responsibility?

After the memorial service, the family asked if I would lead a shiva minyan the next night.

Of course, I said yes.

Not wanting a traditional service, I experimented with them, leading them in Hebrew chant.

For each chant, I offered an intention and a focus.

“See what memories or thoughts come up for you in the silence after the chant, and see what needs to be shared,” I suggested.

After one chant about healing through nurture, the deceased’s wife shared a story.

She’d found her husband’s relentless positivity exhausting.

One day she’d finally said to him, “This must be really hard and scary for you.”

Tears had immediately sprung to his eyes.

“Yes,” he’d said.

And, “Thank you.”

She’d given him a gift.

His sons—everyone—-talked about what a gift he’d given them, being so positive.

But while giving one gift, he’d deprived them of another.

One boy said, “I always wanted to know what I could do for him, but there was never anything. Instead, he was always doing for me.”

“What a model of how to die with dignity,” he said, shaking his head in admiration.

But he’d modeled that one must never be vulnerable—or show vulnerability.

Not one tear fell from his grown sons’ eyes.

And he’d deprived them of the ability to give.

True, he’d finally learned to be present.

He’d finally learned to stop striving and pushing and running.

But only when nothing else was left to do but die.

And though he was lauded for his positivity and determination, he couldn’t have accomplished any of it if it hadn’t been for the presence and determination of his wife.

(Because behind every great man…)

Though separated from him, she’d immediately stepped in to join forces with him and his doctors.

And let’s not forget that he’d had his own coaches.

We do so many things wrong unwittingly while trying so hard to be good, to accomplish and to achieve.

Can we learn these lessons before we are about to die?

Can we realize that the weight of the world is not on our individual shoulders?

That we can only achieve truly great things when we join forces with others?

That it’s okay to need and ask for help?

That it’s okay to be vulnerable?

It seems to start by being present.

So let’s try that.

May it be so.

And say Amen.

Create Tension, Get Attention; Heresy & P’kudey

Oh, God, do I love heretics!

I think it takes great strength and courage to be one openly.

This week I heard the amazing story of an Evangelical Christian preacher turned heretic.

Carlton Pearson, an African American minister and Bishop of his church, rose to great prominence in the 1980’s and ‘90’s.

And of course, he preached about hell.

This is the biggest draw for Evangelicals; the fear instilled in people of hell.

Images of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.

If you don’t take accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, this is where you’ll end up.

I think Jews can relate to this, too.

My grandmother refused to say she didn’t believe in God for fear of punishment simply for doubting.

For Jews, it’s more about punishment while still living on this Earth—a kind of personal hell on Earth.

For Carlton Pearson, he had a moment of enlightenment when he saw images of starving babies in Rwanda on television.

In that moment, he began to accuse God.

“I don’t know how you can call yourself a loving, sovereign God and allow these people to suffer this way, and suck them into hell,” he said.

“Well,” responded God, “how are you gonna save them?”

“I can’t save this whole world,” said Pearson.

“Precisely,” answered God. “You think we’re sucking them into hell? They’re already there.”

God told him, “You’ve been teaching the wrong thing about me; that’s why people turn away from me.”

For the first time, Pearson understood that God was not the inventor of hell.

He began to understand that humans not only invented the idea of hell, but in our very actions, we create it for ourselves.

But he was afraid of what would happen if he said so publicly.

God said, “In order to get attention, you’re going to have to create some tension.”

So Pearson found his courage and began preaching about a God of inclusion and love.

And was declared a heretic.

He lost the millions of dollars that had poured into his church monthly.

He suffered the rejection of his community.

But he saw lives healed, and lives saved with love, as opposed to damaged by fear and hate.

As if a cloud had lifted from in front of him, he now saw things clearly, and moved forward with confidence, despite the consequences.

This week’s Parsha begins with accounts taken of the gold, silver, and copper used in the building of the portable house for God.

It ends with a cloud covering God’s sanctuary.

And the Israelites could not move forward into action until the cloud lifted.

We, like the Israelites, need to take accounting of our actions.

We need to see the hell we are creating and imposing on others: the starving babies.

This week I saw images of Israeli protestors blocking aid into Gaza by throwing themselves across the road in front of trucks.

I can’t get the voice out of my head of a “religious” Jewish woman being asked, “Don’t you have at least a little compassion for the babies that are starving?”

“Why should I have compassion for future terrorists?” she replied coldly.

Is this what Judaism teaches us?

Is this what God wants of us?

While antisemitism rises around the world, should we use it as an excuse to justify our own criminal actions?

Are we to become the “animals” we accuse others of being?

Every time I write such things as I’m writing here, I feel a tension around the possible backlash—the hatred and anger of fellow Jews who may accuse me heresy.

But, as God said to Pearson, we have to create tension to get attention.

We must notice and challenge ourselves if we are preaching about a God of hatred and punishment—-lest we become the hatred we hate.

We don’t need God’s help to create hell. We’re doing just fine all by ourselves.

May the cloud lift from before us so we may see a way forward in a loving, inclusive way—whether others do or not.

We can’t save the whole world.

No.

Not by ourselves.

But together we might.

(Note: You can find “Heretics” and learn about Carlton Pearson on This American Life. You can also see the Netflix movie, Come Sunday, for a dramatization of his life.)

A Lavish Ukrainian Wedding, an Owl, & Vayak’hel

This week is a Torah portion about too many gifts, if that’s possible.

It’s about turning people away in their generosity

It’s about saying, “You’re bringing beyond what is needed for this project.” (In this case, materials needed to build the mobile sanctuary for God to dwell among the people in their long trek through the desert.)

I want to write about the Jewish wedding of an interfaith couple I recently officiated.

It happened a couple of weeks ago, but it’s still very present in my mind.

I say Jewish wedding because, though the bride was Jewish and the groom of Muslim descent, they wanted a purely Jewish ceremony.

So that’s what I gave them.

The (now) husband is a non-practicing Muslim from one of the former Soviet Republics.

The (now) wife comes from a long line of (famous, according to her mother) rabbis from Ukraine.

Most of her family died in the Holocaust or in Soviet work camps.

So it was important to them that they have a rabbi.

Both sides of the family seem affectionate and caring toward each other.

The common language is Russian.

It was almost impossible for them to find a rabbi willing to officiate such a wedding, as you might imagine.

The Chabad rabbi they’d turned to had even questioned the validity of the bride’s Jewish identity.

They were relieved to have found me.

As I approached the venue, far out in Brooklyn, almost at Coney Island, a woman came up to me and grabbed my arm.

“Come, Rabbi, come!” she said in a thick Russian accent emphasizing the second syllable of “rabbi.”

I had no idea who she was, but quickly decided she was a friend and that I would indeed come with her.

She immediately started giving me the long history of her family.

I had to interrupt.

“Sorry,” I said as gently as possible, “but who are you?”

“I am the bride’s mother.”

Ah!

Time for an enthusiastic hug.

“How did you know I was the rabbi?” I ask.

“I smell! I smell!” she says, gesturing with her hand around her crinkled nose as if there were a scent wafting in the air.

Time for a laugh.

Then I saw what a stupid question I’d asked.

Of course she knew I was the rabbi!

As we entered the (smallish) banquet hall, it was like I was entering an alternate universe.

I immediately felt like a fish out of water.

People began arriving; women in long, sparkly, multi-thousand-dollar sequined gowns and spiked heels, small fur shawls across their shoulders, long fur coats.

Me?

I was dressed in chic wide-legged trousers from Old Navy, a cute little black jacket, and creamy Oxford Doc Martens.

I was glad I’d packed my heels.

(And I realized they hadn’t gotten the memo that wearing fur in the U.S. is now considered a cruelty to animals.)

As I was figuring out the logistics of the venue, there was hustle and bustle all around.

The chuppah (wedding canopy) was lying on the marble floor waiting to be picked up, its thick birch branches blending into the white marble floors.

I was worried someone would trip over it.

(No one did, I thanked God.)

Servers rushed by carrying elaborate trays of food to the tables; salads of beets, fresh white cheese, unidentifiable mushrooms, caviar, huge swans carved from watermelons, giant blueberries, vodka, whiskey, imported sodas and sparkling water...

Enough food to feed forty at each table that seated only ten.

I gathered the couple and their immediate family for a private little pre-ceremony ritual in a small room off to the side.

We surrounded the couple (a nervous wreck because everything was “fucked up”) as they faced each other.

First I led them in a little breathing exercise and a niggun (wordless melody) to help the couple transition from their frenetic energy.

I told a little story, then the groom covered his bride with her veil, and everyone showered blessings upon them.

They were finally calm and ready.

As we began the more public wedding ceremony, I pointed out how poignant this moment was:

Two people of supposedly such different cultures and religions, in a time of such strife and pain in the Jewish and Muslim world (not to conflate Palestinians with Muslims, as we know), coming together in love.

And fully supported by their family and community.

I pointed out the ripple effects such a thing can have on the world—even the fact that they don’t think that such a union is a big deal is itself a big deal.

Yet not so different from each other after all.

Afterwards I reflected: was I actually a fish out of water in their supposedly alternate universe?

An older cousin from the bride’s side of the family had taken me under her wing, introducing me to the foods on the table, making sure I saved room in my stomach for “more, there’s more coming,” and making me laugh and dance with her the whole time.

Every moment there was a chance to toast the couple with a “L’chaim!” and drink another shot.

The mother of the bride was grateful, I felt, for a female rabbi she could link arms with and tell her history to, along with her stories of woe.

Is that too many gifts?

Should some of the enthusiasm for giving, or abundance in this instance, be redirected?

Should we turn some of the gifts away?

Did the bride need two dresses (one for the ceremony, the other for dancing)?

Did they need an MC and three live singers, enough food for an army, and four photographers?

Perhaps a better balance is what’s called for.

Perhaps that’s the message of the Parsha.

Yes, it’s definitely a value system.

Where do we choose to put our money and limited resources—which in this case I know are limited.

I think of our human need to give, and how abundance makes us feel comfortable, like all is well in the world.

I think of our need for celebration, especially in these times.

I think of the now-somewhat-famous Palestinian student, Hisham Awartani who was shot in Vermont a few months ago (Notes From America, Feb. 19th episode).

I think of the go-fund-me movement to help him with medical costs (and the sadness that funding medical costs in the U.S. in this manner has become commonplace and unquestioned in a country with so much wealth and so much poverty).

I think of Hisham Awartani’s discomfort with all the attention and money he’s receiving, knowing meanwhile that if he were home in the West Bank, he’d be just one more anonymous Palestinian being carried around on a stretcher.

I think of the famous Central Park Zoo owl, Flaco, having survived a year in the wilds of Central Park, now dead, receiving lavish attention from individuals and the media.

I know we’re living in painful, soul-sucking times.

I understand it’s difficult to look at photos of starving and dead Palestinian children and much easier to look at a photo of Flaco.

This owl gave hope and comfort to many people in these difficult times.

It’s like the feeling of loss and pain is being poured into this one little owl.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that the U.S. government, while saying what Israel is doing in Gaza is “over the top” is not only not stopping it from happening, but actually responsible for funding it.

It’s hard to be reminded that the war in Ukraine is still happening.

But can we find a balance in where we put our money?

And can we measure more carefully where we give our attention?

I leave you with this question.

You can make the blessing.

(Please send it to me.)