“It was supposed to be this way.”

It may sound absurd, but that was my thought when I realized I had Coronavirus back in March. I was standing at the kitchen sink, and I had this thought, “I guess I was supposed to get Coronavirus.” 

It was so weird, because all the days prior to the shutdown of New York City, I kept going back and forth: we’re going to get sick; we’re not going to get sick. 

And then we did. And that’s the thought that came to me, like a flash. And I thought, what a strange thought. 

I wasn’t too public about this thought because, I thought, “What does this say about my theology?” 

It’s a dangerous thought, because, isn’t it this kind of thinking that leads to the attitude that poor people are supposed to be poor and the rich are supposed to be rich, therefore we don’t need to do anything to change the social structure”? 

You see, I don’t believe that. I love Liberation Theology for that reason, which counters the Catholic Church’s traditional teaching that we are here on earth to suffer and our reward will come in the afterlife. 

No! That kind of thinking is one of acceptance of oppression as the natural order of things--and no one can deny that the Catholic Church has been very oppressive and controlling throughout millennia, try as they might. 

So how does my thinking about myself fit in with the wider picture? 

I’ll be honest: I don’t know. 

I just know it felt true for me. 

Don’t get me wrong: I was terrified the entire time, for myself and my husband, especially when he was in the hospital; I was having panic attacks and calling for support at 2 a.m.

The spiritual growth that came from that time, though, for all in my household, was immense, and I am grateful for it, and grateful beyond expression for our survival. 

But I was struck when I heard the same words, “supposed to,” come out of musician, songwriter, speaker Gaelynn Lea’s mouth in an interview with Krista Tippett this past Sunday. Here is a tiny woman in a wheelchair, born with Brittle Bone Disease, has literally never walked on her own two feet, has lived unable to do things most people can do, who said, “This was supposed to happen to me.” 

She and I not the only ones; Joseph, too, says so yet again in this week’s Torah reading. His father has died after living 17 years in Egypt, and now his brothers worry again that Joseph will take revenge on them for what they did to him as a boy. 

And Joseph repeats, in so many words, “Don’t worry. Though you meant me harm, God intended it for good, because it was my life that saved a whole lot of others.” 

Basically: “It was supposed to be this way.”

I asked the question last week again, about whether Joseph had been transformed, or grown spiritually, through his suffering. My answer was finally, yes. Joseph is at peace now. He has found deeper meaning in all his suffering. 

The thing is, we can never see the reasons for our experiences, good or bad, except in hindsight. Which is why we can never say to someone else in the midst of their suffering, “You’ll understand one day; it’s part of your spiritual growth.”

You do that, and they’ll spit in your face--or worse--and for good reason; we should never diminish another’s suffering. 

Which is why I was fascinated by what Gaelynn Lea had to say. 

She said that she had learned that she had a kind of freedom that people without disabilities don’t have (and 29% of the general population does have some kind of disability, many invisible to others; you should watch the movie Crip Camp on Netflix if you haven’t seen it!! It will give you a deeper understanding of the nuances of living with disabilities and the people who live with them—and it’s a beautiful movie all around).

Lea said that everybody has some kind of disability, meaning we all don’t fit in somehow. 

She said that Herbert Marcuse, political theorist, philosopher and sociologist, opened her eyes to the idea that capitalism controls the very images of ourselves and is designed to make us all feel inadequate; as we know, we are taught every day by the media, what we are supposed to look like, and we place people in categories that are so hard to free ourselves from: “too” this or “too” that---

And because the regular rules of how Gaelynn Lea was “supposed” to look were so far off from her reality, she was free from the unattainable standards set by the capitalist system. She was free to “compose her life” and become herself entirely. And she has (with undeniable privilege, as she says)!

The point is, we limit ourselves and others by our beliefs of what is “supposed to” be. 

On his deathbed, Jacob gives blessings to each of his children, according to his knowledge of who they are. Some of what he knows may be astute, but by doing so, he limits them through his blessings.

Something similar happens with Joseph’s two sons, Menasseh and Ephraim (remember them? “Make Me Forget” and “Double Fruit”?). 

Joseph brings them for grandpa’s blessing in the proper order of their birth, on the right and on the left, and Jacob crosses his arms to give them their blessings the other way around. 

Joseph protests (after the fact, I must point out!), saying, “No, father, that’s not the way it’s supposed to be,” to which Jacob answers, “Yes, it is.” 

One wonders, how was Jacob “supposed” to be buried? He makes Joseph swear to take his body back and bury him with his family. Joseph fulfills his promise, but not before embalming and mourning him in the Egyptian manner, only to “sit shiva” for him months later, after burying him—not the “Jewish way,” to say the least.

And Joseph? He himself is embalmed and mourned as an Egyptian, yet his sons become the leaders of Jewish tribes. 

Both Jacob and Joseph remain in a kind of liminal space of Jewish vs. Egyptian, unchanged and yet transformed, Jacob/Israel, Joseph the Jew/Joseph the Egyptian, in both life and in death.  

What is “supposed to be?” 

I don’t know what’s “supposed to be,” for other people or for the world. And we should never stop demanding that the world should be a place of more equity, greater justice, and less suffering. 

But--to end with Gaelynn Lea’s lyrics: 

Where to turn? 

There’s so many opinions and the outlook’s getting dim.

What makes you think you’ll ever get there?

What makes you think you deserve to know?

Who are you really? 

Are you really so important?

Take a look around and watch the world unfold.

Take a look around and watch the world unfold.

Because, maybe it’s somewhere in the liminal space between “Supposed to be” and “Is.” 

With this way of thinking, perhaps we, too, can compose our lives.